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Major Failure: My Semi-Permenant IV Was Like, The Worst Idea Ever

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” said my mom. “It’s just too easy for you to get an infection.” “I don’t think you should do it, babe,” said my fiancé. “I mean it’s putting an open line in someone...

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I Can’t Do This, But I’m Doing It Anyway

Today, on the way home from a surgery consult my mom asked me, “So are you okay with all of this? With getting the port?” And I was like, “Well, it’s happening. It’s got to happen. So I don’t think I...

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Nurses Just Lie About Things

Another night, another ER visit. Last night we headed over around 5:00pm. Waited in the waiting room for a half an hour before being moved to the very end of the emergency room. Patients were being...

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A Conversation with God on Dealing with Surgery Stress

Have another brownie, God. Jesus. During moments of great upheaval, I turn to god. “God,” I say, while hyperventilating in my bed at two in the morning, “I’m having surgery tomorrow. It’s not a big...

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Risk.

For days I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around what happened. How did I go from having a functional flare to immobile in my hospital bed after weeks and weeks of barely seeing my own bedroom? How...

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Falling Short: Veins and Port

I’m having a major 404 with my port, pretty much since the minute they put it in. First infusion wasn’t so bad–we did manage to get it working! Besides the nerve pain that comes with having a surprise...

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Accessing My Port Alone, Living on Mars and Other Impossibilities

It’s around that time of year where sometimes, I’m walking the dog and I think: I’m going to die. I’m literally going to prune up like a raisin in the sun and shrivel out of existence. Because:...

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Bargaining With the Universe: What I’d Do For a Good Port Study

Have port…will travel. Sometimes common sense just isn’t an option. This is mostly when I’m exhausted, dehydrated and so beyond my limit that I burst into tears trying to open the cap on my water...

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The Port, The Pity and the Perfect Wedding Dress

I found my wedding dress this week. But let’s not overexcite ourselves, I’ve found three dresses–and one I actually took home from Macy’s. This one: I know I look pissed in all of these photos, but I...

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Reset: How to Aggravate a Migraine

This weekend R.J and I had tickets to a local food festival. We love food festivals. But if we’re going to be completely honest–we love food festivals in winter. At night–when the Florida heat somewhat...

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Just Yell “PLOT TWIST” and Move On

It is four AM. I feel as though I wrapped duct tape around my abdomen five hours ago. I think I did the pharmacological equivalent–downing a percocet by mouth and then flushing a shot of torridol and...

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Video Update: A Port, A Wedding, And the Botox

Categories: ChronicIllness, RelationshipsTags: botox, Migraines, Port, videoIt’s been a long while since I did a video update–so here we go!    (Read more...)

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When Boobs and Ports Meet Online Shopping

My name is Ilana And I am an online shopping addict. Sometimes I find myself on my laptop at two in the morning trying to angle the light across my credit card. There’s just something very primal about...

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An ImPORTant Issue: Calling All Fashionable Etsy Artists, Inventors, And...

This is me. Want to see what’s under my shirt?     BLSEJJHADHK. BOO! Sexy, right? I have a port I wear accessed 24/7. This is a brief glimpse at a 30 seconds of any random Tuesday where I get my needle...

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I’ve Run Out of Port Puns. My Port Is Annoying Me.

This port and I be having problemmmmms this week. Yeah, you! Sticky-taped needle in my chest! You itch like a motherfucker. And the only way you would work this week was if I pressed you into my chest...

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Less Than a Month Till the Wedding

Video coming soon…I told you I was trying! I promised myself I wouldn’t blog again until I made the video on how I use my port. I recorded half of it, but things kept getting in the way of finishing...

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VIDEO: Using My Port for Saline Therapy for POTS

Categories: ChronicIllness, VideosTags: IV Saline, Port(Read more...)

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Bargaining With the Universe: What I’d Do For a Good Port Study

Have port…will travel. Sometimes common sense just isn’t an option. This is mostly when I’m exhausted, dehydrated and so beyond my limit that I burst into tears trying to open the cap on my water...

View Article

Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.

The Port, The Pity and the Perfect Wedding Dress

I found my wedding dress this week. But let’s not overexcite ourselves, I’ve found three dresses–and one I actually took home from Macy’s. This one: I know I look pissed in all of these photos, but I...

View Article

Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.

Reset: How to Aggravate a Migraine

This weekend R.J and I had tickets to a local food festival. We love food festivals. But if we’re going to be completely honest–we love food festivals in winter. At night–when the Florida heat somewhat...

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