Major Failure: My Semi-Permenant IV Was Like, The Worst Idea Ever
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” said my mom. “It’s just too easy for you to get an infection.” “I don’t think you should do it, babe,” said my fiancé. “I mean it’s putting an open line in someone...
View ArticleI Can’t Do This, But I’m Doing It Anyway
Today, on the way home from a surgery consult my mom asked me, “So are you okay with all of this? With getting the port?” And I was like, “Well, it’s happening. It’s got to happen. So I don’t think I...
View ArticleNurses Just Lie About Things
Another night, another ER visit. Last night we headed over around 5:00pm. Waited in the waiting room for a half an hour before being moved to the very end of the emergency room. Patients were being...
View ArticleA Conversation with God on Dealing with Surgery Stress
Have another brownie, God. Jesus. During moments of great upheaval, I turn to god. “God,” I say, while hyperventilating in my bed at two in the morning, “I’m having surgery tomorrow. It’s not a big...
View ArticleRisk.
For days I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around what happened. How did I go from having a functional flare to immobile in my hospital bed after weeks and weeks of barely seeing my own bedroom? How...
View ArticleFalling Short: Veins and Port
I’m having a major 404 with my port, pretty much since the minute they put it in. First infusion wasn’t so bad–we did manage to get it working! Besides the nerve pain that comes with having a surprise...
View ArticleAccessing My Port Alone, Living on Mars and Other Impossibilities
It’s around that time of year where sometimes, I’m walking the dog and I think: I’m going to die. I’m literally going to prune up like a raisin in the sun and shrivel out of existence. Because:...
View ArticleBargaining With the Universe: What I’d Do For a Good Port Study
Have port…will travel. Sometimes common sense just isn’t an option. This is mostly when I’m exhausted, dehydrated and so beyond my limit that I burst into tears trying to open the cap on my water...
View ArticleThe Port, The Pity and the Perfect Wedding Dress
I found my wedding dress this week. But let’s not overexcite ourselves, I’ve found three dresses–and one I actually took home from Macy’s. This one: I know I look pissed in all of these photos, but I...
View ArticleReset: How to Aggravate a Migraine
This weekend R.J and I had tickets to a local food festival. We love food festivals. But if we’re going to be completely honest–we love food festivals in winter. At night–when the Florida heat somewhat...
View ArticleJust Yell “PLOT TWIST” and Move On
It is four AM. I feel as though I wrapped duct tape around my abdomen five hours ago. I think I did the pharmacological equivalent–downing a percocet by mouth and then flushing a shot of torridol and...
View ArticleVideo Update: A Port, A Wedding, And the Botox
Categories: ChronicIllness, RelationshipsTags: botox, Migraines, Port, videoIt’s been a long while since I did a video update–so here we go! (Read more...)
View ArticleWhen Boobs and Ports Meet Online Shopping
My name is Ilana And I am an online shopping addict. Sometimes I find myself on my laptop at two in the morning trying to angle the light across my credit card. There’s just something very primal about...
View ArticleAn ImPORTant Issue: Calling All Fashionable Etsy Artists, Inventors, And...
This is me. Want to see what’s under my shirt? BLSEJJHADHK. BOO! Sexy, right? I have a port I wear accessed 24/7. This is a brief glimpse at a 30 seconds of any random Tuesday where I get my needle...
View ArticleI’ve Run Out of Port Puns. My Port Is Annoying Me.
This port and I be having problemmmmms this week. Yeah, you! Sticky-taped needle in my chest! You itch like a motherfucker. And the only way you would work this week was if I pressed you into my chest...
View ArticleLess Than a Month Till the Wedding
Video coming soon…I told you I was trying! I promised myself I wouldn’t blog again until I made the video on how I use my port. I recorded half of it, but things kept getting in the way of finishing...
View ArticleVIDEO: Using My Port for Saline Therapy for POTS
Categories: ChronicIllness, VideosTags: IV Saline, Port(Read more...)
View ArticleBargaining With the Universe: What I’d Do For a Good Port Study
Have port…will travel. Sometimes common sense just isn’t an option. This is mostly when I’m exhausted, dehydrated and so beyond my limit that I burst into tears trying to open the cap on my water...
View ArticleThe Port, The Pity and the Perfect Wedding Dress
I found my wedding dress this week. But let’s not overexcite ourselves, I’ve found three dresses–and one I actually took home from Macy’s. This one: I know I look pissed in all of these photos, but I...
View ArticleReset: How to Aggravate a Migraine
This weekend R.J and I had tickets to a local food festival. We love food festivals. But if we’re going to be completely honest–we love food festivals in winter. At night–when the Florida heat somewhat...
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